Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Thankfulness postponed
When my mom/Ryan died, it was far too painful to go through there things, so instead, we boxed them up and put them away and waited for the day when it would be easier. Unfortunately, that day never came and we were forced to do it anyway. The job Kelly and I had was to pick and chose the things from their lives we found worth saving. We were to condense all the tangible memories from their lives and fit them into a few stupid totes. I'm glad Kelly found the will to throw stuff away, because I couldn't do it. I don't think I threw away one thing. Who would have thought a simple signature that said "xoxo, Mom" would be so freaking hard to part with. A birthday card from my siblings. Kelly had obviously written the message, but there were those four letters "R-y-a-n" that felt like someone was standing on my chest everytime I saw them. It was like losing them all over again.
I thought the worst of it was over. Last week, we moved all the big items and sorted through most of the stuff. Tonight I just had to go move one last thing. But it was the worst night of all, and I wish I hadn't had to do it, although I didn't realize beforehand what it would be like. Almost everything was gone. The whole house was almost completely empty. My mind couldn't help but flash back. I could see my mom, sitting on her bed, waiting up for me no matter how late I got home. I would always make myself comfortable at the foot of her bed and update her on my "exciting" life. And with the way she listened, I thought certainly, no one ever lived a more exciting life than mine. I could see our family in the living room, having Family Night, scriptures, prayer, or visiting with friends. I could see her in the kitchen, in her element surrounded by all her children and grandchildren. I could see the last few holidays we had together, as well as the many before. I didn't want to stay in the house. I wanted to run. I wanted to go to a place where I could find my mom again.
The house was never the same after my mom died. A mother brings such a strong sense of love and peace into a home, you almost feel as if you could reach out and touch it. As soon as she was gone, it always had an empty feeling. We could never forget, even for a second, she was gone. But it was always filled with great memories.
My house is now full. I didn't go through everything. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and some boxes just came home with me and I still need to go through them. I've been working on it all week, and I keep reminding myself to throw away as much as possible. I just don't have room for everything.
Then tonight. I couldn't help it. I took one last walk all the way through the house. The people who bought it have been there fixing it up, and there was paint and other supplies in Ryan's room. And there in the middle of all of it was Ryan's Spongebob light fixture. There is really nothing for me to do with it, but I couldn't leave it there. I felt like I already left too much of him there. Why does it feel like maybe if I can keep enough stuff he won't be so far gone from me?
I wanted to do a bunch of posts this month about all the things I'm grateful for. But that will have to wait. Sometimes you just have to mourn.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
It's a good thing I saved Batman...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
My baby!!!
Kendall is at such a fun age, we are loving it (although I think I say that about every age). She just started blowing kisses, complete with the "muah" sound.
Have you heard that baby's who prefer orange foods (carrots, sweet potatoes, peaches) get an orange tint in their skin? Kendall is here to confirm this. I swear her mouth/nose always look orange. Although she is eating more table food now and a lot less baby food (YAY!!!) She is also starting to give up her binky. As soon as Dave and I are ready to give it up, it's gone.
I've had a couple people ask for an update on Kendall's condition. I don't know anything new, so this is more of an update on MY condition.
For those who don't know, I'll share the story of Kendall's 9 month check-up.
When Kendall was probably about six months old, I noticed she was getting an additional birthmark on her arm. She already had one on her leg. I once heard that children with two birthmarks have heart defects. I asked a bunch of people about it and no one had ever heard about it before. Still, I decided I would mention it to her pediatrician at Kendall's nine-month check-up to eliminate any worry.
As soon as I showed her the additional birthmark, I knew it wasn't good. She studied it intently and took notes about it. Then, she says to me "I don't want to freak you out but..." Um, when your pediatrician says those words, you freak out. To add to the trouble already brewing, the pediatrician found an additional birthmark on her leg (so that made three, total). It's so small I'm not sure I ever even noticed it before that appointment. It looks like a freckle. Yet that was the one that concerned her the most.
The doctor told me those particular birthmarks (that have certain features and appear multiple times) are associated with a skin disorder which causes damage to the nervous system. She told me to keep a close eye on them and if they change at all, or if I find any additional birthmarks, I should bring Kendall back in.
I was not only freaked out, I was devestated. I cried for three days. I studied her entire body. I memorized her birthmarks with my mind, so I'd know if they changed, even slightly. Of course, I told my sister's, but I couldn't decide if I should tell anyone else. I felt a little silly saying "something might be wrong, or everything might be perfectly fine".
I couldn't bring myself to pray for Kendall. Of course, I prayed for her like I do for each of my children, every night. But I couldn't bring myself to pray that she would be okay, because I felt at that time, I couldn't handle it if Heavenly Father said no. That's when I decided to tell the rest of my family and some friends about Kendall. I wanted everyone else to pray for her, since I couldn't do it.
I couldn't really tell the story without sobbing through it, so I just sent an email telling everyone about Kendall and asking that they keep her in her prayers. Everyone I talked to (or who responded to the email) told me they would keep Kendall and me in their prayers. My sweet sister-in-law brought over dinner, which was great because not only did I forget how to do anything except hold my baby, but it was nice to talk about it. I had decided to schedule an appointment with a dermatologist just to remove doubt. I wanted to know, one way or the other.
Her appointment was on Monday, and as I met back together with Dave late Wednesday night I told him "I don't know what it is, but I suddenly feel so much better. Seriously, it's like all at once, I'm not so freaked out anymore." Dave said "that's because everyone's been praying for you." I sometimes forget the amazing and awesome power of prayer.
It still sucks a little bit. When we were at Disneyland, I thought I saw something on her leg, and it made me want to scream, throw up, and pass out all at the same time. It was nothing. Maybe a little bit of dirt, but I think mostly it was how the light was hitting her leg. I still want them to disappear. But it's not in my every thought. I rarely think of it except when I see it. Yay for long sleeve/long pants season!
Now, a month later, I feel that Kendall is just fine. She is such a happy baby and learning so much. I am not really one to worry. I just needed my three days of mourning. I decided not to go to the dermatologist yet, because I don't want to put my baby through any pain or testing unless I have to.
I am so grateful for the way Heavenly Father answers each and everyone of our prayers. I wasn't suddenly free from any worry about Kendall (and let's be honest, parents never are) but I felt such peace that I was able to deal with it so much better.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Stuff
-Dave forgot some grocery items when we went on our trip. I spent hours shopping, then had to go to the store in CA! Geez, what kind of juicy thing did everyone think it was???:)
-I was lucky enough to have my handsome six year old nephew, Lance, ask me to come volunteer in his class. I read the fairy tale "Stone Soup" and it was super fun. Kelly (his mother) was relieved he asked me to do it because she would have been way too nervous. Well, turns out she might have been just as nervous with me doing it. For example, a couple days before she was quizzing me on how prepared I was (I wasn't at all, yet, because it was still a few days away. And remember the part about where the kids are six? It didn't take days to plan). So then, she casually tells me to "not where my gym clothes". WHATever! I look hot in my gym clothes. Do I detect a note of jealousy? I think I do. I think I do.
-Most often, I work out in the mornings. During the summer, I'd often take the children to the free lunch at the school. If we weren't doing anything after school lunch, I went in my gym clothes. If we had other activities planned, I'd shower at the gym before I picked up the children from the daycare. After doing this for a couple weeks, on the drive to the gym Allie asked me "Mom, are you taking a shower today?" I told her I was and she said "yesssss." I asked her why she wanted me to shower and she said "I don't like it when you're sweaty." Probably more to it then that. Apparently, Kelly's not the only one who doesn't like my gym clothes.
-I noticed the other day my favorite work-out shorts are getting a hole. BOOOO!!! I probably have fifteen different work-out shirts, but when it comes to pants/capris/shorts, I ALWAYS have one pair I love so much more then the rest and I wear them until they are threads. Why don't I know at the time how much I will love them so I can buy several pairs.
-All my gym clothes are black. They didn't use to be, but overtime I have evolved (or un-evolved). The one and only reason for the black clothes is because it's so simple to pick them out. Black shorts/capris/pants, black top, and go. But recently, it's been brought to my attention that not everyone loves my gym clothes like I do (see above stories). HOWEVER! On Saturday I was in a group fitness class where they were giving away prizes. Guess who won the first prize? The instructor calls out "this prize goes to the person wearing the most black". I didn't even look around. I knew I won. The instructor got to pick the winner. She chose to pick the person wearing the most black. Hmm. Looks like I may have found someone who likes my gym clothes.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Having Some Fun
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Fall

Fall 2006
Fall 2009
We really enjoyed conference weekend. While the boys go to Priesthood, Kelly and I take the children to McDonald's. They love this tradition! Actually, they love anytime they get to be with cousins. You would think they rarely see each other. The other night, Detmer was saying the family prayer. Dave was telling him what to say, and he usually repeats word for word, which he had been doing this whole prayer, until Dave said "and bless that we can..." Detmer said "go to cousins."
Allie is having a ton of fun at "preschool". The other day we were super busy and it was about four when she and Detmer realized we hadn't had preschool yet. They started harrassing me about it and didn't settle down until we did it. It ended up being such a fun one, too. She and Detmer both love telling everyone they are in preschool. Allie is also in gymnastics. She is loving it. It has been a great chance to teach her about respect, being polite, etc. So many life lessons come from the simplest things. Allie is SO helpful to me. When I am trying to get something done, she is awesome to entertain Kendall. We ask so much of Allie, yet she never complains and always seems so excited to be the helper. The other day I brought home a little t-ball thing and a bat and glove for Detmer. Allie told him excitedly, "Detmer, I'll go first, and you can go second, since it's your toy!!!" Detmer responds with as much enthusiasm "Yeah!!!" Smart girl, that one.
Detmer has just as much fun at gymnastics. He plays hard the whole time and especially loves the trampoline's. I feel bad that he is left out from the group. I was SO excited today when he put on his 2T jammies and they are too short. Hooray! Maybe this boy will grow after all! I can't believe what a boy he is. He is obsessed with sports. Always wants to be playing ball. The other night he woke up at 1 am "Mama, I want my football." Wouldn't go back to sleep without it. And really, how do you reason with someone who is fast asleep. All I wanted was for him to go back to sleep. It's funny now, at the time, not so much. He's so fun and hilarious. My favorite thing about his age is the hilarious things they say that make Dave and I say "where in the heck did he come up with that?!"
Kendall had her nine month check-up last week. She is sixteen pounds. The doctor went crazy over her weight. Told me to start buttering all her food, add cream cheese, and even peanut butter. Um. No thanks. Am I the only person that finds it insane that they tell you to adopt all these unhealthy habits to get your child to gain weight? I might feel differently if it weren't for the fact that at one point I was told to do the same thing for Allie and Detmer. I don't know why, but my children plateau at nine months. They catch up just fine. I was a lot more surprised with Kendall because she eats like crazy! But I'm not worried about it yet. She is also starting to prefer crawling over the reach-and-scoot. She's realizing this will get her to Mommy much faster. She is the belle of the ball in this household. When she wakes up, she is greeted as though Allie and Detmer haven't seen her in months. They cry if I pick her up from them playing with her. They always say "put Kendall by me". And both are constantly asking to hold her. Thankfully, her incredibly clingy phase was fairly short lived. She is doing so much better now. She still wants to be held a lot, but only about 10% of what she used to want.
I feel like I just wrote a Christmas letter. Unfortunately, I've been just as lazy with my journal as I have with my blog so I need to get this stuff recorded somehow!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Mission Accomplished
This year, though, I was determined to make it happen. Kendall might just be my clingiest baby yet, but I was not going to let that stand in the way. I decided I would just do it at eight (and be up until 2am) after she was in bed.
I started to look on the internet for directions on how to can peaches and became so frustrated! The problem is, people who can peaches don't give beginner instructions. All the instructions assumed I had at least a general knowledge of canning peaches and I sooo did not. One set of instructions I read came on a blog. The girl said something along the lines of "canning peaches is something I always watched my mom do as a child, but never took any interest in at the time. Sorry Mom!" I just thought, well, lucky her, at least she can remedy that (by having her mom come over that day and help her, as she had done). Unfortunately, I didn't have that option.
The internet was no help.
Hmm, where could I find someone who would help me can peaches WHEN I want (Kendall's nap time) and WHERE I want (my house, so Kendall could sleep the day away cozy in her crib). So I called my awesome friend Gayla, who happily agreed to come over!!! I was so excited!!! This is the first year Gayla hasn't been working so I needed her to teach me EVERYTHING she knew. We started with the peaches.
We did JARS and JARS! :) (And thanks to Kelly who took all the children home with her so I could finish!) It was super easy and I'm so excited that next year I will have the happy anticipation of canning my peaches. I really just needed someone to walk me through it one time. I did remember being a child and my mom busily canning in the kitchen, so I actually had a little bit more knowledge then I thought. Yay!!!
I also took advantage of the abundant peaches by freezing some and...wait for it...making jam. At this point my domestic skills could not be tamed.
I went to Days Farms (and Heidi, I was not lucky enough to take my superman and encountered more then my fair share of bugs!!!). Anyways, Days Farms is AWESOME. You can fill a box of pick-your-own veggies for ten bucks. The best part was having the children help. I told them to find veggies with no blemishes. Allie would pick up a tomato, inspect it, and say "Mom, is this one good to go?" It was the cutest thing ever! And how could I say no to that? (Needless to say, a few of the veggies were NOT "good to go" but it was so worth building her confidence.) So Gayla came over here again to help me make the world's best salsa. With the leftovers, I bottled some tomatoes. Yay!!! I feel so accomplished. Peaches, tomatoes, jam, and salsa. We are ready for the winter!