Friday, September 9, 2016

It's not nothing

I read an article that someone had posted on Facebook. It was from a mom whose son had just graduated high school. She was like, "it's not a death or a job loss or anything tragic, but it's not nothing."

I've thought about it a lot since.  Because sometimes we don't have headline newsworthy things happen, but they are such a big deal in our lives.

That's pretty much how I felt about Maci starting kindergarten. Everyone was just acting all normal.  I was going through this huge transition in my life. Why was no one sending me flowers and bringing in meals?  Because that's how it felt at the time.

I cried the day before she started.  The first day that Dave and I dropped her off.  And the first day she ACTUALLY started. Why must it drag on?

But man. I had two events this summer (this being one and the other being the death of my grandma) where my tears were so fully loaded and the thing I was crying about was not really the thing I was crying about.

With Maci-thank goodness she was there. Because when I was trying to get pregnant, and getting pregnant, and losing babies, Maci was there. And I never had to go home to a quiet house and I never had time to sit around and mope. There was always lunches to make, museums to visit, friends to invite over, etc.

As Dave and I walked home from dropping Maci off at kindergarten my heart almost burst. Because I was pushing a stroller. And during our struggle to get a baby if I would let my mind wander to that day when Maci started kindergarten, just the very thought of going home alone was so daunting. I was not ready for it. I often cried to my sisters, "a lot of people quietly and gracefully move onto this next phase in life. Why can't I?  I may be forced to do it, but I won't go quietly. I'll be forced kicking and screaming."  Oh man. I am sooooo grateful to have this baby. There are not words to express the pure joy and adoration that she has brought.

Maci LOVES kindergarten. Everyday she can't wait to go. And I'm totally fine. I knew I would be. I knew I wouldn't cry everyday. I knew I would adjust after a week or so. That's just how it is.

Going into the next phase in life is fun and exciting. I love watching my kids grow. I love the people they are becoming.

But that doesn't mean that I'm not sometimes going to mourn moving to the next stage.

And it's especially easier if I can do it with a baby in my arms.

Oh and I also have three other kids who started school.  Haha. More stories about them later. My lighting was horrible for first day of school pics but they were as cute as could possible be.

(I've tried to post a bunch of pics of the kids first day of school but so far I only see one of Kendall so hopefully they're all there when I hit publish).